


Hypothermia

by DumbWoojae



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Secret Relationship, kind of ??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 23:16:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumbWoojae/pseuds/DumbWoojae
Summary: That’s how Seonghwa’s relationship with Hongjoong feels like: like an endless hypothermia.





	Hypothermia

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this without an idea and I didn't know how it'd turn out, I was expecting a small 1k words fluff but... from the first sentence it just never came. However I've been stuck in a writer's block for the longest and though this is not my best work (will I ever be able to top Sunflowers field? I don't think so) I kinda like it ??? it inspired me a bit, I hope you guys like it too. (((Everyone but Seongjoong and San are barely mentioned, btw)
> 
> As always: english is not my first language if you guys see any mistake feel free to point it out so I can correct it, thank you!

It felt like dying from hypothermia.

 

The thing about that specific kind of death is: it feels good, like a state of drunkenness that then puts you to sleep, easy, once the initial pain and harshness passes by.

 

That’s how Seonghwa’s relationship with Hongjoong feels like: like an endless hypothermia, except that the harshness comes back every now and then, haunting Seonghwa and his sanity, making him unable to sleep. In all cases, his insomnia is the worse when he can’t hide it from his boyfriend, which is not a common thing since the smaller man is such a heavy sleeper, barely even moving at all, but it seems like tonight the odds are against the older.

 

“Yah, Park Seonghwa” Hongjoong calls in a soft raspy voice while he makes his way out of the bedroom, his hair is messy and he’s rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, no shirt on trying to fight the summer heat –which didn’t help much either way, because he loved to cuddle Seonghwa like an oversized teddy bear, making them both overly hot.

 

“Oh did I wake you up?” Seonghwa whispers, he doesn’t know why, probably because breaking the silence of the night doesn’t feel all that right, before putting his tea back on the counter.

 

Hongjoong doesn’t say a thing, simply making his way to the other and wrapping his arms around him, burying his face on the front of his sweatshirt and leaning against him. They stay quiet for a while, just holding each other until the smaller breaks the silence.

 

“What is it? Why are you awake?”

 

_Your parents asked you to visit home around the days we planned to visit Japan, you said you’d travel with your girlfriend._

 

“It’s nothing, I took a nap this afternoon so that’s probably why I can’t sleep” Seonghwa lies through his teeth, as he’s so used by now.

 

“ _I know I said there’d be a lot of people who are not okay with who you are”_ his father had told him, not all that long ago, “ _and I said you’d have to bear with that like everyone else does with many other things. But this boy, does he really accept you? Or even more important, does he accept himself, son?”_

 

“Is that it?” Hongjoong whines, leaning forwards into Seonghwa.

 

_Your friend Mingi asked to come over, and you said I was your roommate._

 

“Yes, it messed a little with my sleep I guess” He answers, taking a sip of his tea, jokingly using Hongjoong’s head as a table for one second, the younger giggles.

 

_It was two years ago but you got mad when I told San you were my boyfriend, even though we had been dating for five months straight, it took a few tears to get you to stop being angry at me._

“Finish your tea so we can go back to sleep” he says, holding Seonghwa tighter.

 

_You don’t let me hug you in public, we don’t go out on dates like real couples, it’s been almost three years but we’re still secret._

 

He downs the last of the liquid in the cup, and only then Hongjoong pulls back, taking his hand with a small, almost childish smile, and pulling him back to the room, “Let’s go”

 

_We can’t get a dog because “people would suspect”, we can’t take pictures together, we can’t even hold hands in front of others._

 

Seonghwa stops where he is, just a few steps away from the door, the younger looking back at him with a confused expression, he’s had enough of this, enough of hiding.

 

“Actually no, Hongjoong” he says, his voice breaking, “let’s not”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s winter and the snow is falling over the dead branches of the trees when Seonghwa makes his way into the library, ‘ _what a stupid place to meet’_ he thinks as he walks to the science fiction section, where he’s sure his best friend and his best friend’s friends are waiting.

 

“ _You don’t know that many people hyung”_ san had told him a few days before, Yeosang nodding behind him in a silent _when was the last time you even made friends_.

 

So that’s the reason why he’s here today, looking down at his phone in a attempt to contact San and tell him he’s arrived already when he bumps into something small, _it’s a person_ , Seonghwa reaches his hand out to avoid the fall but he’s too slow and he can only grab a forearm, the guy reaches his hand out so he’s supporting himself on the floor instead of lying on it.

 

“I am so, so sorry” Seonghwa says, whispering as he helps the small guy properly stand up, “I was looking at my phone I really didn’t see you there”

 

The small guy looks up at him for a minute, like he’s frozen, and Seonghwa fears he’ll erupt in a fit of anger in the middle of the library.

 

“I see you met” Yeosang giggles, appearing all of a sudden, “Joong hyung, I’m sorry, Seonghwa hyung is really clumsy all the time I’m sure he didn’t mean to run you over”

 

Seonghwa shakes his head energetically, making Yeosang giggle again, and then the youngest directs them to the rest of the people waiting for them –as expected, San is working on his homework, which is probably why they were told to meet here. They’re all nice, and they click instantaneously, barely needing some introductions before animatedly chatting as they make their way out.

 

Seonghwa likes everyone expect for Hongjoong, well no, it’s not really like he doesn’t like him, but the smaller man has been sending him glances and undecipherable looks that make him nervous, was he perhaps still mad about what happened earlier in the afternoon?

 

“Seonghwa-ssi” he calls later, making Seonghwa jump, his voice is gentle and delicate and it’s the first time he’s ever directed a word to Seonghwa in the whole day, by now night has fallen and they walk a little behind the group.

 

“Ah?” he asks, too dumbfounded –and maybe a little scared– to formulate anything else.

 

“I’m not mad about what happened” he says, voice soft like velvet, and it makes Seonghwa curious, maybe he noticed the taller had been avoiding him.

 

“Ah, I’m still pretty sorry about that, I swear I didn’t see you because I was on my phone” Seonghwa excuses himself again, even though Hongjoong just told him he wasn’t mad.

 

“It’s okay Seonghwa-ssi, I understand”

 

“Just Seonghwa” he says, and when the younger shoots him a confused look, he adds, “We’re the same age, just call me Seonghwa”

 

Hongjoong looks surprised for a second, it’s not common to jump into informalities so quickly, but then he gives Seonghwa a soft smile, the light of the lamppost reflecting in his eyes, making it seem like they hold two little bright stars, the breeze messes his orange hair and makes the small chain piercing on his ear dance.

 

“Seonghwa” He calls his name, in that soft velvet-like voice, sending the taller into a spiral of unexpected euphoria he is certain will be hard to get out of.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As expected Seonghwa wasn’t wrong, getting out of the spell the smaller man had put him into felt like an all but impossible task, one that tortured him for a while before completely giving up to it.

 

It feels rushed even though it isn’t that way, it actually takes a whole month of meeting up with friends until something happens. It is Hongjoong the one to make a move after he finds out Seonghwa is into men because of a comment San had made –something about Seonghwa’s ex boyfriend and his love for wearing glasses even though he didn’t need them.

 

It isn’t anything particularly aggressive, Hongjoong just holds Seonghwa’s hand in the darkness of the cinema. It isn’t all that weird, they had become close and they usually held each other’s hand, just like they do with the rest of their friends, but then Hongjoong intertwines their fingers, giving Seonghwa’s hand a firm squish, and bringing it to rest on top of his thigh.

 

Seonghwa is confused over his actions, but it's only until later that day when they are left alone that Hongjoong explains it all, that he has been interested in Seonghwa since the very first moment he saw him –which was why he couldn’t take his eyes off him– and then continued to crush on him, unable to make a move or even a slight insinuation because he wasn’t out yet and he wasn’t sure Seonghwa was into men, and well, it isn’t like Seonghwa is not interested in Hongjoong, or like he didn’t decide not to act on his feelings for almost the exact same reason.

 

With the first approach being so timid Seonghwa thought their relationship would flow slow and calmly, which is why he’s surprised two weeks later when Hongjoong pushes him against the door of his apartment after closing it and forces him to bend over to capture his lips in a hurried kiss, like he’s been thirsty his whole life and only the elder’s lips could satiate him.

 

That is the way Seonghwa realizes the Hongjoong he had met before is different in some ways from the Hongjoong he is dating; while his friend Hongjoong was quiet and timid, his boyfriend Hongjoong is cheeky, sassy and loves to play around, where his friend Hongjoong rarely ever looked at him in the eyes for longer than a minute, his boyfriend Hongjoong is not afraid of climbing into his lap and pinning him against the back of the couch, it is a nice contrast and it doesn’t take that long for Seonghwa to get used.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In every relationship there are hard times, but to Seonghwa all the time feels like a hard time. Hongjoong doesn’t feel ready to leave the closet, and Seonghwa isn’t about to push him, but the fact that not even their friends know they are dating starts to bug him after the third month. They have to stay at a reasonable distance from each other during hangouts because they know they are too touchy to hide it, and the younger could spend the whole time without even looking at him –which he compensated later with lots of attention, but it is still annoying.

 

It’s during the fifth month that he lets the secret slide, he’s been drinking with San and alcohol has gotten the best of him, so while San hugs him and tells him how he’s the best friend he’s ever had and how much he trusts him, Seonghwa can’t stop his own mouth.

 

“I have something to tell you” He blurts out, his words just slightly slurred, it’s not like he’s completely drunk, San is not either, but the secret weighs too heavy inside his chest and he’s not strong enough to take it.

 

“Yes hyung tell me anything you want, you can trust me” San says, still cuddled to his side, nuzzling his head into Seonghwa’s rib as he half sits and half lies on the couch.

 

“You have to promise you won’t tell anyone, I mean this” His tone is kind of serious, so San sits straight, giving him a curious look and nodding firmly, “I’m dating Hongjoong. We’ve been dating for five months now.”

 

San jumps back, his face going from shock to confusion and back to shock.

 

“Hongjoong hyung is…” he trails off.

 

“Gay” Seonghwa finished his sentence, “and my boyfriend”

 

The room is filled with silence for a minute, San looks like he’s trying to process a great amount of information.

 

“You’ve been dating for _five months_?” he says finally, looking extremely surprised.

 

“Yes” Seonghwa answers, frowning at the floor, “Joong is not out yet, he doesn’t feel ready to be, so we’ve kept it quiet”

 

San doesn’t answer, probably because there’s nothing he can really say, so he holds Seonghwa’s hand instead, in a silent _I’m here for you_.

 

However, it only takes a few days until guilt starts to eat Seonghwa away, and he really wants to tell Hongjoong there is a third person who knows about them but he’s too scared of his reaction, and as he expected the younger gets really mad, to the point they spend several days without talking and only after a number of tears and fights on the phone Hongjoong acknowledges that it’s not fair for him to expect that Seonghwa keeps quiet about this even to his best friend.

 

Still, they remain a secret, multiple fights and hushed arguments blooming between them when Seonghwa holds his boyfriend’s hand in public out of instinct, or when a name like “ _baby_ ” rolled off his tongue without noticing, Hongjoong said he was being too negligent, Seonghwa held back and swallowed down his comments on how it wouldn’t matter if they could just go public, because it wasn’t his decision alone, and he couldn’t push Hongjoong on something he didn’t feel comfortable with.

 

 _But then, does he not feel comfortable with our relationship_?

 

A haunting thought that started his sleepless nights, barely eight months into their relationship, and as time goes by Seonghwa gives up to the pace Hongjoong takes, he gives up on the tight feeling around his chest when Hongjoong lets girls sit on his lap during their nights out clubbing with friends, he gives up on the silent tears he finds himself letting go of during cold nights in which he wishes things would be different, he gives up on his parent’s disappointed expressions when they find out whoever’s dating their son acts like Seonghwa is something he should be embarrassed of –but they wouldn’t understand, no they would never, because they have always been supportive of their son, always accepting him for who he is and encouraging him to never hide himself, the complete opposite of Hongjoong’s parents, and still, Seonghwa couldn’t help but feel a painful tug on his chest whenever his mother told him he should be with someone who wasn’t embarrassed to show him off, someone who would gladly tell the world Seonghwa’s his partner, and it hurts, a little too much, because that’s what he wants, he wants to hold Hongjoong’s hand and hug him and kiss him without worrying too much about if the curtains are well closed, but he can’t have that, even after San moves out with his boyfriend Wooyoung and Hongjoong moves with him he still can’t have any of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The worst fight they’ve ever had will never be erased from Seonghwa’s memory, not even when he’s already forgiven Hongjoong for it, not even when it’s been months since it happened, it’s just one of those moments that are forever engraved in your mind even when you want nothing else other than to let go of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It happens right after Hongjoong’s friend, Mingi, leaves. He had visited Hongjoong just to spend awhile together and Hongjoong had introduced Seonghwa as his roommate, quickly pushing him into their spare room to hide until Mingi left a few hours later. Needless to say, Seonghwa isn’t very happy, and it just isn’t something he is willing to shut up about, not this time.

 

“What did you expect me to say? To introduce you as my boyfriend? You know I can’t do that” Hongjoong says, exasperated and clearly annoyed.

 

Seonghwa just sits on the couch, emotionally tired from beating himself up to tears while locked in the spare room, he can’t muster the strength to say anything, he can’t move, he can’t even stop staring at the same sport on the floor, as if a hole was gonna open there so he could just jump in and disappear.

 

“Seonghwa don’t just sit there without saying anything after you just made a whole scene about this, you know how things are” Hongjoong continues, merciless.

 

_Things are like this because you want them to be._

 

“I’ve told you a thousand times I love you but I’m not ready to do this, I’m not ready for people to know, I just can’t” He adds, he sounds so annoyed it makes Seonghwa feel like the biggest bother that has ever existed.

 

“Why can’t you?” He snaps, tired of taking the painful words in without giving any comeback, “Our friends supported Wooyoung and San, some of your coworkers are not straight either, it’s not like they will hate you, I’m tired of this, I’m tired of hiding”

 

It’s not okay, he knows it’s not okay, but he can’t stop the negative feelings blooming inside his chest, he doesn’t want to push and force Hongjoong to do something he doesn’t feel comfortable with, but he’s exhausted of this situation, exhausted of feeling like absolute shit whenever Hongjoong opens his mouth to talk about this matter, he loves the younger, but there’s only so much pain he can handle, there are only so many “ _he’s embarrassed of me_ ” thoughts he can take before breaking.

 

“ _You deserve to be with someone who is proud to have you”_ Seonghwa’s mother’s voice repeats inside the elder’s head, _“and for the things you’ve told me, it sounds like he’s embarrassed of his relationship with you”_

 “It is just _disgusting_ , they’ll think I’m _disgusting_ ” He says, looking at Seonghwa straight in the eyes with a look of utter angriness.

 

There it is, he’s had enough.

 

The younger seems to notice the drop of Seonghwa’s features because his eyes soften and he tries to approach him, but what it’s been said it’s been said, so Seonghwa quickly stands up from the couch and locks himself in their room, ignoring Hongjoong’s knocks on the door and muffled words through the wood until he’s done crying to his heart’s content.

 

The clock at the side of his bed marks 11:26 pm when he decides to do it, the last train will leave in about 20 minutes, so he grabs his biggest bag, filling it with as many of his clothes as he can before slowly opening the door of the bedroom. Hongjoong’s nowhere to be seen, he needs to wake up early in the morning to go to work, so Seonghwa imagines he’s just gone to sleep in the second room and makes his way quietly to the living room.

 

To his surprise, Hongjoong’s fallen asleep on the couch, he doesn’t look all that peaceful in his sleep, and even though he’s broken Seonghwa’s heart many times, it hurts to see him this discontent. The older holds back the new tears that threaten to fall, covering the smaller with a blanket and pinning his note (“ _I’ll be somewhere else for a while, please don’t call me or try to find me, I need some time away from this”_ ) to the fridge before quietly making his way out of the house, making sure to lock the door and hurrying to the train station.

 

He arrives at San’s and Wooyoung’s apartment at 12:19 am and knocks softly on the door, he thought he wouldn’t be able to hold his tears once someone opened the door, but to his surprise, he can only smile softly at Wooyoung, who stares at him surprised with his messy hair and wrinkled clothes.

 

“I’m sorry to wake you up” He says, in a soft voice so he won’t wake anyone up, “would you mind if I stayed here tonight?” He’s terrified to get a no for an answer, all trains have already stopped running and he has nowhere else to go, but he knows his friends would never say no, so naturally he’s not surprised when Wooyoung nods his head and all but pushes him inside.

 

“Hyung, what is it?” he asks, worried, and San repeats his words when he comes out of the bedroom, hurrying to him.

 

“It’s nothing, I’m okay, I just need somewhere to stay the night” Seonghwa says, he’s surprised his voice is so calm even though he feels like he’s dying.

 

“Hyung, is it about Hongjoong hyung?” San asks, he looks suddenly angry and about to fight, but his soft messy hair makes him seem everything but menacing.

 

Seonghwa’s eyes fill with tears he quickly blinks away, ignoring Wooyoung’s confused look and shaking his head, asking San not to do this. The younger had never been the biggest fan of their relationship either, because it wasn’t sane, and it’s not like Seonghwa doesn’t know it, but he couldn’t help himself.

 

They leave him alone in the guest’s room, and it’s only then when Seonghwa breaks down in another fit of quiet sobs, heartbroken and exhausted.

 

As expected, Hongjoong did not just sit and wait for Seonghwa to come back, he wasn’t that kind of person and the older knew, so his phone being blown up with incoming calls since a very early hour of the morning didn’t surprise him in the slightest, it didn’t surprise him either when San told him Hongjoong had called him.

 

“But I told him you weren’t here” San reassures, “I tried to act a little worried too, just so he’d believe me, he told me to tell you to please go back home and talk if I saw you”

 

“Thank you San, you’re the best friend I could’ve ever asked for”

 

As the best friend anyone could’ve ever asked for, San doesn’t make questions, he doesn’t push Seonghwa to tell him what happened, instead preferring to let the older decide if he wanted to talk. He also does not threaten to break Hongjoong’s face once Seonghwa tells him later that same day, even though one could clearly notice from the spark in his eyes that’s what he wanted.

 

It takes a week for Seonghwa to go back home, mainly because he’s ran out of clothes –even though Wooyoung, pure beautiful Wooyoung, offered to go and pick more for him even though he didn’t know why Seonghwa didn’t want to go home– but also because he can’t escape this, he cannot run forever, and if his relationship with Hongjoong is to end now then so be it, but this limbo they’ve been stuck on is killing him, and he can’t take it no more.

 

Of course, they don’t break up, but it takes hours of talking and crying until they can come to that decision, and yet, they stay secret.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But right now Seonghwa’s had enough, for real this time, enough sleepless nights and quiet sobbing in the shower, enough of “ _this is my friend_ ”, “ _this is my roommate_ ”, enough of this sick situation that will not bring anything good for neither of them, they can’t just keep hiding forever and even though he doesn’t want to admit it Hongjoong knows too.

 

“I can’t do this, I’m too tired to keep hiding, I’ll just leave” Seonghwa says, and makes his way to the bedroom, pulling his suitcases out from under the bed and starting to fill them with his clothes.

 

It doesn’t start a big fight, only because the neighbors could hear. Hongjoong stands on the door of the room the whole time, dumbfounded and surprised, trying to pull Seonghwa away from the suitcases, to get him to stay, murmuring excuses and saying it’s too late into the night, that they could go to bed now and talk it calmly in the morning, that it doesn’t have to be this way, but his efforts die down whenever Seonghwa threatens to raise his voice, and that just shows how much he doesn’t care.

 

“I heard you talking to your dad on the phone earlier today” Seonghwa says, while he pushes more of his things into the suitcase, he could technically come back later and pick up whatever he couldn’t fit there, but right now he just wants to leave and never set a foot in this place ever again, “how long have you been telling them you have a _girlfriend_?”

 

The question catches Hongjoong off guard, it’s easy to tell, his eyes are open wide and he pales even more than he already was, all the remaining of color vanishing from his face.

 

“You are so _fucking_ embarrassed of this” Seonghwa says, closing the suitcase aggressively, making the smaller man jump, “so _fucking_ embarrassed of _me_ , you even tell your parents and probably everyone else you’ve got a fucking _girlfriend_ ”

 

Seonghwa slams his fist against the hard surface of the suitcase, a loud thud exploding in the room and making Hongjoong jump once again, it wasn’t often that Seonghwa got so mad, but he’s too exhausted to be in this situation.

 

“I’m so tired Hongjoong, I’m so _motherfucking tired_ of this, I’m tired of you pretending to be straight in front of everyone as if we haven’t been dating for almost three years, as if you don’t let me fuck you all the time” he growls, infuriated, and the younger lets out a surprised sound at his words.

 

As it’s not often for Seonghwa to get so mad, it’s not often either that Hongjoong’s left wordless, but right now it seems like his brain has completely shut down, and he can’t do more than to tug at Seonghwa’s sleeve, going back to his actions even after the older has pushed him away, maybe it’s due the late hour, maybe because he really can’t find a way to actually excuse himself and make Seonghwa stay.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this, I can’t force you to come out in front of anyone at all, that’s not okay and you should do it when you feel ready, but you can’t force me to stay in a relationship that is not really a relationship, or to be okay with you telling people I’m your girlfriend, that’s not alright, Joong” Seonghwa says, his tone now more tired than it is angry as he sets both suitcases on the floor, quickly entering the bathroom to change out of his pajamas.

 

Hongjoong only follows him around like a lost puppy, not even daring to say anything until he sees Seonghwa standing at the door, and then he snaps out of his haze, grabbing the elder’s arm and pulling him back.

 

“Seonghwa please” He says, whispers actually, tugging at his boyfriend’s arm with big hopeful eyes.

 

Seonghwa’s heart breaks and aches, and he wishes he could just stay, he wishes he could just pretend their problems do not exist and go back to bed, cuddling the heartbreak away. Unfortunately, things do not work that way, so he just shakes his head and leaves.

 

None of them cry in front of the other, it’s not until Seonghwa’s in the taxi on the way to his parent’s house that he breaks down in loud sobs, probably worrying the driver, and if Hongjoong breaks down on their apartment floor, weeping desperately and aching to his very core, blaming and hating himself, Seonghwa never finds out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For two days straight everything is quiet, Seonghwa’s parents don’t make him talk about it, but he can tell that they’re happy of both having him home and his secret relationship coming to an end.

 

For two days, Seonghwa handles quietly the weight of an aching heart, and stops himself from picking up his phone and calling Hongjoong, or taking a taxi all the way to their apartment and just be with him, he left for good, he left for a reason, he’s not coming back.

 

It’s the night of the third day when his phone rings, an incoming call from Hongjoong, and Seonghwa cleans the tears he had been quietly shedding to stare at the screen, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss the younger, but he also doesn’t want to fall into their sick little game once again. The calls ends, but it’s not long until Hongjoong is calling again, and knowing how insistent he is Seonghwa is certain that if he doesn’t pick up now then he’ll spend the whole night calling, so he does.

 

The line is silent at first, like Hongjoong hadn’t been expecting Seonghwa to actually pick up, but then the taller hears a small broken sound, like a contained sob, and an avalanche of sadness comes crashing down in his heart.

 

“Seonghwa” Hongjoong sobs, sending tears to the elder’s eyes, “Seonghwa I’m so sorry” he whines.

 

What is he supposed to say? He doesn’t want to admit how much his heart aches, although he’s sure Hongjoong knows, so he just remains silent, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks as he hears the other sob.

 

“I’m so sorry I never deserved you to begin with, I’ve been a terrible boyfriend I can’t believe you stayed with me for so long, I really do not deserve you” Hongjoong confesses between broken sobs, “I’m too afraid hyung, I’m too afraid of how it’d be if I let the world know, and I know that I shouldn’t be and I know that I have you but you know how my parents are and I don’t… I’m scared of what they’ll say, I’m scared of how much it’ll hurt, but that does not mean that the situation I put you in was okay, I’m so sorry. I won’t tell you to come back if you don’t want that, even though I feel like I’m gonna die without you, but I just want you to know I am really sorry, you really deserve better than me.”

 

“I feel like I’m gonna die without you too” Seonghwa says even though he hadn’t intended to, it just rolled off his tongue, just like he knows the _hyung_ had rolled off Hongjoong’s tongue and he probably didn’t even realize.

 

There’s silence, not even sobs can be heard, it’s heavy and unpleasant, Seonghwa wishes he could just hug Hongjoong and wipe his tears away right now.

 

“Can we meet?” The younger says, “If you don’t want to be with me anymore that’s okay but please don’t let it end this way, let’s at least do it in good terms.”

 

“I still need to pick my things up” Seonghwa says, though it’s an excuse, he knows it is, he just wants to see Hongjoong once again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His hands and legs shake as he knocks on the door, it feels strange to knock on the door of an apartment in which he lived until a couple of days ago, but he left his keys behind when he left and even though he knows where the spare key for emergencies is it’d have been rude to just open the door.

 

Hongjoong opens the door quickly, inviting him in, there are two cups of Seonghwa’s favorite tea resting over the coffee table, and even though they are technically each other’s nothing now Seonghwa allows the younger to intertwine their finger and guide him to sit on the couch, keeping their hands together even after they sat.

 

“I already organized your things, they’re in two boxes in the bedroom” Hongjoong says, in his small delicate voice.

 

“You didn’t have to” Seonghwa answers, squishing his hand, “Thank you”

 

Hongjoong looks at their hands intertwined for a minute before he breaks down crying, all but jumping over Seonghwa and hugging him, the older closes his eyes to prevent the tears from falling, hugging the smaller tight against his chest, his hand coming up to caress his hair.

 

“I don’t want to ask you not to go, but I really don’t want you to go” Hongjoong says, words muffled against Seonghwa’s chest and broken due his tears.

 

“I don’t want to go” Seonghwa admits, his voice breaking mid-sentence.

 

“Don’t go” Hongjoong begs, parting from Seonghwa’s embrace and cupping his face, whipping his tears away.

 

Seonghwa removes the younger’s hands from his face and stands up.

 

“You know I can’t stay, this is not fair for me, I can’t take it anymore” he shakes his head.

 

He has to get out of here soon, the younger is like a magnet and he’s like iron, if he doesn’t leave soon he’ll probably end up in the same situation, in a relationship that makes him feel like trash and hiding from the entire world.

 

He makes his way quickly to the bedroom where two brown boxes wait for him over the bed, he checks around to see if Hongjoong forgot anything and when he doesn’t find anything he places one box over the other and lifts them, making his way outside.

 

“Do you need me to help you?” Hongjoong asks when he makes his way out of the bedroom, his tears haven’t stopped and he’s red up to his ears.

 

“It’s okay” Seonghwa reassures him, “just help me opening the door, please”

 

The younger takes two deep breaths and walks to the door, but he stops once his hand is on the doorknob.

 

“These are a little heavy Hongjoong, please hurry up” he complains when the smaller turns around.

 

“No, don’t go” he says, shaking his head.

 

Seonghwa sighs, tired, if he keeps insisting this way he might give up and he’s certain that’s something they’ll both regret later, it is just not convenient for neither of them.

 

“Hongjoong I can’t-”

 

“No, please don’t go, I’ll do anything, we can be public, I will tell my parents, I will tell the world but please don’t go” he begs, making his way to Seonghwa and pulling the boxes away from him, placing them on the floor and wrapping his arms around the elder’s neck, who circles his waist with his hands out of habit, “Please don’t leave me”

 

“Hongjoong” Seonghwa starts, gently kissing his forehead, “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel ready to do”

 

“I will never be ready” he answers quickly, “I will never so it’s better to do it now, you can go with me, you can hold my hand, and you can hold me when I cry if things go wrong, I can’t change who I am anyway and _I really don’t want to lose you_ ”

 

It takes Seonghwa a minute to understand his situation, and it’s Hongjoong’s ‘ _please’_ that pulls him out of the incantation he’s trapped on because of his words, pushing him forwards and connecting their lips in a kiss that feels like water after a terrible drought.

 

He doesn’t know the directions things will take after this, for what he knows Hongjoong’s parents could react pretty badly, but as the younger had said, he’d be there to hold his hand and encourage him, and he’d be there to hold him even if things went wrong, just like they’ve always been there for each other, making their way through the adversity, and now that their main problem is all but solved –Seonghwa trusts on his words, and if Hongjoong says he’ll really do this then Seonghwa believes he will– he’s positive nothing can break them apart.

**Author's Note:**

> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/dumbwoojae)   
>  [Twitter](https://twitter.com/DumbWoojae)


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